Guide to Enjoying Sex Outside the Binary

For as long as I can remember, I've known I've experienced romantic and sexual attraction to people of diverse bodies. I never doubted my ability to have a date with a cis man. But when I started dating a lesbian who identified as a "gold star," I wondered if I knew enough about sex to impress her like I had with previous partners.

After much soul-searching, desperate Googling, and an honest conversation with her, I remembered that communication and consent are the only fundamental rules of sex.

Although my fears were unfounded, they came from a real place. The only sex education I received in public school was strictly cis-hetero . In the dark days of the 90s and early 2000s, heterosexual sex was presented as the only kind of “real sex.” I was surrounded by exclusively cis and heterosexual representations of romance and relationships during my formative years. Even today, as I openly identify as a queer person in much more inclusive times, beliefs about sex that no longer serve me persist.

Queer sexuality is an invitation to let go of shame and approach our identity with curiosity. By making love outside the heterosexual binary box, we consciously open ourselves to the possibility of healing and freeing ourselves from the ideas imposed on us throughout our lives. It is an embodied prayer for the liberation of our authentic selves.

Tips for breaking out of the binary sex box:

1. Free yourself from outdated rules about binary sex
Still wondering if non-penetrative sex "counts"? That's a narrow, heterocentric view. A broader definition of sex includes the outercourse : kissing, massage, mutual masturbation, toy use, clothing rubbing, fantasies sharing, and intimacy without physical contact. Breaking these rules opens up a whole new world of pleasure and exploration.

2. Talk about what you want
Communication is essential. Share with your partner what you want to explore in bed, what feels good to you. Allow yourselves to use your whole body and mind in intimate encounters.

3. Respect your own limits
It doesn't matter how other people experience their sexuality. Your boundaries are valid. If you experience gender dysphoria or don't want to involve certain parts of your body, you have every right to say "no." And remember: "no" is a complete sentence.

4. Maintain an open and curious attitude
Experimenting with a trusted partner can bring a lot of pleasure. It's not about "looking good," it's about enjoying yourself. If something doesn't feel safe, ask yourself what changes you can make to feel more comfortable: Dim the lights? Keep clothes on? Try only one new thing at a time?

Queer sex challenges the traditional notion of “normal” and can enrich any intimate relationship, regardless of orientation. Exploring new forms of sexual connection strengthens communication, intimacy, and the relationship. Let your imagination guide you, and allow sex to be a joyful form of personal exploration and acceptance.

Author: Dalia Kinsey