Everything you need to know about the orgasm gap (and how to close it)
Women deserve great sex. And not just great sex, but orgasmic pleasure, enjoyable, and without shame.
Year after year, women are becoming more comfortable with their sexuality and asking for what they want in bed, but there is still a significant gap in the orgasms reported by heterosexual men and women overall.
One study states that “Heterosexual men were the most likely to say they usually/always had orgasms during sexual intimacy (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%)” (Frederick et al., 2018). Let’s analyze this information in more detail.
Of all women, lesbians reported experiencing orgasms more frequently than bisexual and heterosexual women during sexual intimacy. Only about two-thirds of heterosexual women report usually having orgasms during sex. Surprising, right? So why is there a 30% difference between heterosexual men and women?
Let's talk about sex
Let's start with the fact that sexual pleasure is still a taboo topic. It's rarely discussed in sex education, and when it comes to women, it's often not discussed at all. We've been taught that it's normal for a man to desire and enjoy frequent sex, while many women are shamed and stigmatized for sharing those same desires. It's true that the world is becoming a more sex-positive place, but many women still feel embarrassed or uncomfortable discussing their sexual desires and pleasure with their partners. Lack of communication can lead to various consequences, such as faking an orgasm (please stop doing that!), having mediocre sex, or feeling sexually inhibited—that is, having a low desire for sexual experiences or a lack of comfort during them. These consequences are not only detrimental to your pleasure and satisfaction, but they also prevent you from enjoying a fulfilling sex life. Talking about sex and pleasure with your partner not only strengthens your relationship, but can lead to sexual liberation, greater sexual satisfaction, and—are you ready?—MORE ORGASMS!
Stimulation (Could be) necessary
Studies show that engaging in a variety of sexual behaviors during intercourse contributes to the experience of orgasm. It's also important to note that not all orgasms are created equal. Nearly 1 in 5 (18%) women said that intercourse alone is sufficient to achieve orgasm, approximately 2 in 5 (36%) women said they need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, and another 2 in 5 (36%) women said that clitoral stimulation is not essential; however, their orgasms feel better if the clitoris is stimulated during intercourse.
The bottom line is that women's sexual arousal preferences vary. The desire for genital contact (i.e., clitoral stimulation, vaginal fingering, oral sex) and the duration of these activities also vary. Other factors that can affect a person's ability to orgasm include stress, depression, and the use of certain medications, among others. Women typically take longer to reach full arousal compared to their male partners, which can also be a factor.
Closing the Gap
To close the orgasm gap, sexual communication is essential. Couples can encourage this communication by playing sex games, discussing sexual fantasies, or discussing sexual activities that have been pleasurable in the past. If you're a woman and need more stimulation during sex, consider adding a toy . Interested in spicing things up a bit? Dive into the world of fetish!
In short: your sexual satisfaction is just as important and deserved as your partner's. The goal isn't always to reach orgasm, but to have fun and be present in the experience. Sex is about being authentic, free, relaxed, and comfortable. Enjoy the process and you'll find your goal. Let your pleasure be your measure.